All About James

Today was a big day for our family. After months of waiting for a definitive answer about James, we finally got one. James was diagnosed with Autism. I can't adequately put into words how I'm feeling about it right now, but my feelings mirror this mom's in a blogpost she made writing to herself back on the day her son was diagnosed. You can read it here.

This part of her post really hit home with me. "Today you will receive news that you believe you are prepared to receive.  You will hear a team of physicians and therapists say that your son is on the autism spectrum.  You will nod your head to acknowledge what they are saying, but you won’t show much emotion. In fact, the lead physician will say to you and your husband, 'You don’t seem surprised.'
You will respond, 'We aren’t. We have known for a long time.'... Your heart, however, kept denying the truth.  Your heart will continue to deny the truth for a while, although it will bubble to the surface at unexpected times that you and your husband will deem 'moments.'  'I had a moment today,' will translate to, 'The true weight of our son’s diagnosis and the struggles he might face hit me full force.'"

 We walked out of the office today with a piece of paper that contained general recommendations for children with autism and suggestions from the psychologist for the next steps, i.e., lots of speech therapy, social group therapy, preschool, visual schedules, family therapy, and so on. We took in all the suggestions eager to get started in helping James in all the ways we can. But as we walked to our car and I read the top of the paper that said your child and Autism Spectrum Disorder I started crying. It hit me like a ton of bricks. The one thing, that until 7 months ago, I was so afraid of and closed off to I now have to immerse myself in. And that is okay. I am ready now. I don't really know how, and I get easily overwhelmed with all the work that is going to go into James's every day, but I know it will be so, so worth it.

 I look forward to all the "mountains" we will get to experience with James. He has already taught us that life is about celebrating the little things. That real joy comes in hearing him say "cookie" for the first time, or when he grabs your hand and has you point to all the Toy Story characters as he says their names, "Woody, Buzzie, Jessie, Bullsie." Or when you're putting him to bed and you hear him start to whisper all the names of the Paw Patrol pups. Today in the car he started clapping with Theo along to the song "Happy" and I thought my heart was going to burst. This past sunday he dumped a handful of dirt on Theo's head and brushed it off. Instead of being mad, I was ecstatic that James was "interacting" with his brother.

My favorite is when you get James to laugh and he looks up at you and you get to look right into those big beautiful eyes of his and you feel like you were just given a special gift.

 I know it will be hard, and there will be times where I will get frustrated and overwhelmed and wish I could quit. But I also know that this journey has so much to teach me and I am thankful that it is giving me another lens to use to view life through.