Pass the Nutella

I'm sitting here at the computer staring at the blinking cursor wondering if I should be putting my thoughts down on "paper" or not. Things are hard right now. I feel drained. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and every other way. A few minutes ago I was wiping Nutella off James's hands, arms, face, and neck with tears streaming down my face. Why was I crying? It might seem silly to you, but it was because I was wiping Nutella off him for the 30th time in the past week.

Every single meal. Every single time I turn my head for more than one minute and find him elbow deep in the Nutella. I am so, so, so incredibly tired of cleaning up Nutella. I also feel like I have a volcano bubbling up inside of me, that is only calmed by the deep breaths I force myself to take. But those breaths can't stop a volcano from erupting. Just like, no matter how much I can want it, wish it, or battle it, my son's Autism will not go away. In fact it continues to rob me of my son. It can erupt suddenly with no warning and leave you feeling clueless and broken. Like when I went to dress James for the day in a pair of shorts that he wore just a few months ago, and just like the jeans he wore the day before (only shorts), and suddenly it's like there is a colony of fire ants living in their pockets. No matter how much I tell him it's okay, swat his hands away that are trying to take them off, plead with him to just WEAR THE SHORTS, he manages to get them off (I skill I didn't even know he had yet). Suddenly basketball shorts are the only clothes that can be on his lower half. And it's hard because I cannot reason with him, not only because he only 4 years old, but because he lacks even the communication skills a 4 year old has. Reasoning with James is not an option. Ever.

It can rob you like when one day, James decided not to eat food. The limited diet he had before (that glorious apple, carrot, pear, peppers, protein bars, goldfish, popcorn, crackers, chips, Wendy's chicken nuggets filled diet) is now limited to 3 things. Nutella, cookies, and popsicles. And so I feel this volcano inside me erupting. I hate you autism (and the ear infection that helped spark the change), for robbing my son of the nutrients he needs to grow healthy and strong. I hate you autism for making me feel like a horrible parent. I hate you autism, for taking my son away, multiple times. I hate you autism, for stealing my sons voice. I hate you autism, for making this parenting journey even harder than it has to be.

 But because I can hear the words to to the slightly annoying song, "Count Your Many Blessings" I am going to try not to end on a negative note.
I am thankful for you autism, for allowing me to experience a different type of life not all get to. I am thankful for you autism, for giving me a chance to prove I can do hard things. I am thankful for you autism, for always keeping me humble.

 I just wat to make it clear that I may not like Autism itself, but I sure do love my little boy who happens to have it as a companion. And although it is excruciatingly hard sometimes, we will keep going. Oh, and please pass the Nutella, we're going to need it.

Side note: After I wrote this post, I hopped on my Timehop app and saw this:

Apparently this was the first time he had nutella. Where it all began.